Imagine you are stuck in the traffic on your way to the cinema theatre. By the time you enter the theatre you have already missed 15 minutes of movie.
Now you have no way of knowing who is the director of the movie until end credits roll. Here is a guide to help you in such situations to guess the names of the directors of the movie.
1) You see there are two very good looking heroes in the movie. But they are gays!! Oh no, they are not gays but acting like gays, yet they want to get the attention of a hot girl. Or boys are not gays neither they are acting like ones, but they do enough Gay acts to give the housemaid jitters. Almost everyone around is gay. Policemen are gay, magazine editors are gay, fashion designers are gay. Those who are normal, gay people think about them that they are gay. There is so much of confusion and discussion about gay and being gay, That you start to think whoever has written this movie is a gay. But no.. gay listen.. I mean hey listen.. You are watching a Karan Johar movie. Are you still confused who is a gay?
2) Right from the moment you enter the theatre you start to get a feeling what is called Déjà-Vu. Each frame of the movie reminds you of some movie you have already seen but in a different language. Each tune of the songs sounds like you heard that somewhere before. While you are still recovering from that feeling of Déjà Vu, you see something unique. A monkey faced man who has yet to learn how to shave, appears on the screen and starts kissing and licking the leading lady left right center. To avoid the boredom caused by excessive kissing and licking, he does it at every possible location, be it in a car, at footpath, bedroom, roof tops and beaches. You are watching a Mahesh Bhatt camp movie with Pritam's Music. FYI.. "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" is not a Mahesh Bhatt movie. !! It has Robert Downey jr in lead, though as far as title of the movie goes, no one could have played it better than Emraan Hashmi.
3) The movie you are watching gives you a feeling of constant denial. You start to deny almost everything about the movie. No.. No way this guy can be a lead actor? No.. How come this lady who is neither beautiful nor hot nor a dancer and who cannot act to save her life, can be the heroine? Whoever has given the music can be anyone but a music director. Suddenly you hear someone abusing Ram Gopal Varma. You go into more advanced stage of denial.. Oh God.. RGV cannot make such bad movie. Buddy.. Come out of your denial.. You ARE watching a Ram Gopal Varma movie.If you still want to know the name of the heroine; Her name is Nisha Kothari. and Hero? Never mind.. Even RGV doesn’t know his name.
4) As soon as you sit in your couch and start munching on your popcorn, you start to see a complete chaos on the screen. Everybody is running around and delivering dialogues at top of his/her voice. The dialogues feels like delivered extempore as there was no time to write dialogues. Rajpal Yadav is getting slapped every next scene, Paresh rawal is playing a middle aged irritating fellow, Asrani is trying to justify the money he got for the movie, Shakti kapoor is striping women around him with his eyes. You start to get reminded of the book "Fooled by Randomness". You are watching a Priyadarshan movie. Hey.. Are you going out leaving the movie midway? You might consider waiting for some more time as soon Akshay kumar will dance to a cheap catchy number with a random girl.
5) After one hour sitting through the movie, you feel nothing actually has happened so far. When you entered the theatre, a big big family was celebrating Deewali, then they celebrated Holi. After that Someone got married and they celebrated that too. After 10 minutes someone got pregnant ( Don’t know how she got time to get pregnant amid all these celebrations!!), so they celebrated the God- Bharai. After that the leading couple celebrates their first night but in their unique manner. Hero tells heroine that he can think about her kyunki Usko Haq hai.. Lady says, she can share the same room with him.. kyunki usko bhi haq hai..The character you see are so sweeeet that you should get an insulin shot after watching the movie. Drivers, Maids, Family doctors, servants almost everybody keeps on celebrating and smiling without any reason. You are celebrating I mean watching a Sooraj Badjatya Movie. If your wife is disapponted because she missed the Karva Chauth scene, go buy another pair tickets. Movie starts with the Karva Chauth Celebrations!!
6) You are watching a movie where you suddenly start to feel that you are not merely watching a movie but it’s like an interaction with divinity. The movie itself is poetry, a saga, an epic. You feel no human could have ever created this masterpiece story, screenplay and dialogues. Villains are poets; they have this rhyme divine in everything they utter. Even when they rape a woman, they converse in poetry. Hero is the biggest poet and innovator. He does not believe in any job humans have created. He creates a new kind of job for himself. He works as a coolie at an airport. He must be earning good as every next scene he rides a new car and even has his own chopper.
Take a deep breath!!! You are witnessing History. Forget Director, I swear to my lord that You are watching one and only "Gunda" by Kanti Shah. Your life is never going to remain the same after this movie.. Bhakt jano Jor se bolo.. mera naam hai bulla... And do watch the movie again, this time from the start. I don’t want you to miss the best introductory dialogues ever written.
If you think who needs this "crap", when you can easily ask people beside you who the director is. Dude.. I don’t want you to disturb couple sitting beside you who are better utilizing their time than watching a stupid movie. Use this guide for your own curiosity and enjoy the movie. Let the couple do what they are doing.. Enjoying "Themselves".
© Shekhar Suman
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