Showing posts with label cities. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cities. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

‌मैं शहर हूँ

मैं शहर हूँ। कोई मुझे विलासी कहता है, कहते हैं कि मैं अपनी जड़ों को भूल बैठा हूँ, खो गया हूँ अपनी रंगीनियों में, पसंद आने लगी हैं मुझे चमक दमक और दिखावा। जरूरत से ज्यादा खर्चता हूँ, जरूरत से कम बचाता हूँ। जी चाहता है कि कभी फुर्सत में इन बातों के जवाब दूं, लेकिन शायद जवाब देना मेरी फितरत में नहीं है। वक्त भी नहीं मिलता कि इन बातों का जवाब दे सकूँ। मोहनजोदारो से लेकर गुडगाँव तक, दमिश्क से लेकर काशी तक आज तक के सफर में सांस लेने की फुर्सत तक नहीं मिली। सोचा अगर वक़्त इन सवालों के जवाब देने के लिए रुका, तो उन हज़ारों सपनों के गट्ठर को उतार वास्तविकता के कठोर धरातल पर रखना होगा, जिन्हें मिलाकर ही मैं शहर बना हूँ। बच्चों के सुनहरे भविष्य का सपना, एक घर का सपना, दुनिया का बादशाह बनने का सपना, ऐसे हज़ारों सपनो को अपने साथ सहेज कर चलता हूँ। उन सपनो को ठेस न लगे, सारा वक्त उनको पूरा करने में ही लगे इसीलिए तो अनवरत चला जाता हूँ। हर रोज़ कुछ सपने पूरे होते हैं तो इससे पहले कि मुस्कुरा सकूँ, देखता हूँ हज़ारों नए सपने अपने सर पर उम्मीद की पोटली लिए मेरे दरवाज़े पर खड़े हैं। फिर उन सपनो भरी आँखों में उम्मीद की एक किरण जलाने के लिए खुद को जलाता हूँ पर शायद ही किसी को वापस भेजता हूँ।



‌गांव की धरती अपनी छाती फाड़कर अन्न उपजाती है तो उसका गुणगान करने वाले बहुतेरे हैं। पर अपने सीने पर सपनो से भी ऊंची ऊंची अट्टालिकाओं को उठाये मैं भी चल रहा हूँ पर मैंने कभी उफ़ तक नहीं की, न ही किसी से धन्यवाद की अपेक्षा की। चाहता तो गांव की तरह ताज़ी हवा में घूम सकता था, पर सपनो की ऊंची उड़ान के लिए जरूरी इन ऊंची चिमनियों के साये में जीने का फैसला किया। परिवार के बच्चे अगर आँगन में खेल पा रहे हैं तो यह भी तय है कि कोई रसोई की गरमी और धुएँ में बैठा कोई खाना पका रहा है। मेरा भी जी करता है कि गांव के बड़े से चौबारे और आसमान से बड़े आँगन में खेलूं लेकिन फिर भी वन बी एच के के बंद दायरे में आपने आप को समेट रखा है ताकि गांव के चौबारे के बच्चों के लिए कुछ खिलौने भेज सकूँ। किसका जी नहीं चाहता कि रसोई में बैठ तवे से उतरी गरमागरम फुल्के साग के साथ खाऊं, फिर भी अख़बार में लपेटी बासी पूरी और सब्जी खाकर खुश हूं ताकि घर का चूल्हा ठंढा न पड़े।

‌मैं शहर हूँ । सब कहते हैं कि तेरे पास दिल नहीं है, पत्थर दिल हो गया हूँ मैं , कैसे कहूँ कि मैं उस सैनिक सा हूँ जो सीने पर गोलियां खा कर आह नहीं करता पर गांव से आयी एक प्यार की पाती पढ़ कर रो पड़ता है। एक सैनिक की तरह मैं जागता हूँ चौबीसों घंटे। हर रात की ये तेज़ रोशनियां कोई दीवाली नहीं बल्कि हवन कुंड की वह लौ है जिसको अखंड और अक्षुण्ण रखने के लिए मैंने खुद को झोंक रखा है। मेरे सीने पर रेंगती दौड़ती यह हज़ारों गाड़ियां जिन्हें हमेशा कहीं पहुँचने की जल्दी होती है, देर होने पर झुंझलाती है, चिल्लाती हैं, मुझे कोसती हैं पर फिर भी इनके नखरों का बोझ उठाता हूँ। आखिर जीवन की राह पर तेज दौड़ने का सपना भी तो मैंने ही दिखाया था। यह सारी गाड़ियां भी मैंने ही दिलायी थी उन्हें कुछ छोटे सपने पूरे होने पर ताकि वो अपने बड़े सपनों की तरफ और तेज़ी से दौड़ सकें।

‌मेरी कहानी तब शुरू होती है जब मानव ने जन्म भोजन मैथुन और मृत्यु के चक्र को तोड़ कुछ अलग करने की कोशिश शुरू की। दुनिया की कहानी वास्तव में मेरी ही कहानी तो है। जब जब मानव ने कुछ अलग करने की कोशिश की, मैं किसी न किसी रूप में मानव का साथ दिया। मानव क्या भगवन कृष्ण भी जब मथुरा को छोड़ चले तो मैंने ही द्वारका बन उनका स्वागत किया। द्यूतक्रीड़ा में पराजित पांडव जब हस्तिनापुर से निकाले गए तो इंद्रप्रस्थ बन मैं ही उनकी राजधानी बना। अगर मैंने पाटलिपुत्र के रूप में मगध साम्राज्य का चरम ऐश्वर्य देखा है तो मैंने ही हिरोशिमा और नागासाकी के रूप में दुनिया की सबसे बड़ी तबाही का मंज़र भी देखा है । लखनऊ के रूप में अगर मैंने नवाब वाजिद अली शाह की विलासिता और सुख देखे हैं, तो लखनऊ छोड़ जाते उसका 'बाबुल मोरा नैहर छूटो जाए' वाला क्रंदन सुन उसके साथ रोया भी हूँ। कराची के रूप में जब मुझे छोड़ लोग अंदरूनी मुल्क ईद मनाने को जा रहे थे, तब मेरे चेहरे पर अगर एक मुस्कान आयी तो बंटवारे की विभीषिका में लाहौर की तरह जला भी हूँ।

सारी मुसीबतों को सह कर सारी विपरीत परिस्थितियों पर इंसान के शह की दास्ताँ हूँ मैं, इसलिए शहर हूँ मैं।

How do you know you are no longer in Mumbai





1) You don’t hear East or West 10,000 times a day.

2) People around you talk about time in multiples of 30 mins. Like see you around 8:30 or call you after 10. No Longer you hear I will reach Ghatkopar at 8:17.
See you in 9:33 Titwala fast.

3) No longer you have luxury of getting into the trains without putting any effort. Crowd does not push you into or out of the compartment. You have to do it yourself.

4) Suddenly you tend to acknowledge the existence other "Lee's of the world. Like Bruce Lee, Jet Lee, Ang Lee apart from Borivalee, ChandivaLee, VikhroLee, DombivaLee .. (Don’t have enough space to mention them all.)

5) It is no longer a matter of pride when you say I have a flat in Andheri. People ask you to get an electricity connection.

6) Suddenly you feel respected when someone calls you Bhaiya or Mama.

7) You start to observe that now number of "Car"s  around you are more than number of "Kar"s .

8) You start to think that you can buy a house.

9) You start to realize that "Sena" does not necessarily refer to a political party. It can refer to Army too..

10) Your Airport, railway station, Museum, TV serial, Movies are named after different Heroes.


11) You don’t hear news about sex change operations done on Railway stations. e.g. "Victoria" terminus being changed into "Shivaji" terminus.


12) When people talk about Floods they mean Rivers not rains.


13) Last but not the least: While walking on the pavements you are no longer afraid of getting run over by Salman's Car. Outside Mumbai he prefers Chinkaras to Human. After all it’s about Being Human.

How do you know you are in Kolkta




You know you are in Kolkata when you realize that:

1. " Left" is the only "Right” thing.

2. You are in deep shortage of Change as any note above Rs 10 is a non-liquid asset in your wallet.

3. In an era where people can’t afford wooden furniture’s, you have Buses made up of timber.

4. Park Circus is neither a park nor a circus.

5. Dadagiri is not about Hooliganism, It is a Quiz show hosted by Dada Sourav Gangopadhyay.

6. You have reached a land where Drinking is completely banned. So you stop drinking and start eating everything right from cigarettes, liquor, soups and Water.

7. Dan Brown's " Da Vinci Code" is an incomplete novel because it does not explain the "Da" Code of Kolkata. How come everybody on the street is a "Da" ? Must be Holy Grail!!!

8. Bipasha, Riya, Raima, Munmun, Rani are a case of wrong and biased sampling to showcase Bengal Beauty. Reality is different!!


9. Every alternate bus stop is a " Danga" or " Gachhi" or a "Tala".

10. Everything from worst to best is golden. Red light area is " Sona-Gachhi" and Five star Hotel is " Sonar Bangla".

11. Last but not the least: Looking at the filmi posters you realize that Mithun Da is still capable of wooing girls with his Pelvic thrusts dancing!!!

Why I feel Pune is underrated as a city.




Pune never got its due like its rich cousin Mumbai, despite following unique properties:

1)    It depicts a perfect example of mixture of Indian and British Culture. We have taken best things from firangies yet retained our touch to it. The college has a fultoo English urbane name Like Fergusson College yet the road you take to reach the college is Called Jungli Mahraj Road.

2)    City has found new usage of many words which were underutilized merely as names of the days. Pune-ites have named places in city after them.

3)    City does not only talk about socialism and equality, it has implemented them to the grassroot level. In Pune, An auto rickshaw is at par with a Mercedes. Don’t believe me, try going to Hinjewadi on a Mercedes and then on an auto rickshaw. May be Auto will cost you more.

4)    When other cities are still planning about within city metros and monorails, Pune can afford to have a within city Chopper transportation facility. It has airport so far from the city that only chopper looks like a feasible option.

5)    People are so tolerant and understanding. They just can’t see the injustice done to few words just because they sound bit ‘different’. They have named places Bhos-ree and Nigod-ee . So it’s safe to say in Pune.. Ae Bhosree, chalega kya? Mujhe Nigod-ee chowk tak jaana hai.

6)    We all know that Hanuman was such a big Bhakt that he got at par with Lord ram. We have a live example in Pune. Dagduseth has become synonymous with Lord Ganpati bappa.

7)    It is called not Howard of the east for no reason. Pune has more educational institutes than Pan Shops.  So you should not complain when a pan wala earns more than a graduate from many of these colleges. After all Pune is not above the basic demand-supply-price rule.

8)    Pune is the best place to find your soul mate. Unlike other cities your boyfriend or girlfriend cannot make excuses related to weather for not going out with you. Like.. Aaj bahut thandh hai, aaj bahut garmi hai or aaj bahut baarish ho rahi hai.. Weather is always pleasant and romantic here. No wonder why so many of my MBA batch mates are now or going to be soul mates. So it’s not all about their charisma only, Pune weather has a role behind their union.

9)    Last but not the least: City is so cautious that it has survived several attacks from deadly Swine flu. Pune-ites can compromise on their looks but not on their safety. They will not go out without a mask during Swine flu attacks even though the mask looks like a huggis pad tied to their faces. But they are Nappy mein Bhi Happy.
.

When can you safely say “ Ab Dilli door nahin” ..




  You can safely say that you are in Delhi when you see :
1)      Word “Bihar” is still in fashion. People are not ashamed of naming their colonies after “Bihar”. Every colony is fighting for adding Bihar to its name.  Trend does not look like fading away any soon.. You will have more Sapna Bihars, Yamuna Bihars coming in future.

2)      People are continuously talking about a place where there are no fools or “Aey-Da” as we call in Marathi. Don’t believe me? The place they are referring to is named “No-Eda”.


3)      There is a place which is so crowded that you can not stand there, shops are so costly that you can not buy anything, girls are wearing dresses you can not take your eyes off, parking lots are so full, that you can not park your car. No wonder the place is called “Can – Not Place”.

4)      There is a garden where you can still see men and women displaying affection in most primitive fashion ignoring all people around them as if they don’t even exist. No I am not talking about Adam and eve in Eden Park. I am simply talking about Lodhi Garden.


5)      The school kids are so talented that they make movies which are bigger hits than 3 idiots, even without stars like Aamir Khan and Kareena. Forget stars, they don’t even need a camera. They simply shoot themselves with their mobile. Chances of you having seen that movie is at least 3 times more than your chances of having seen 3 idiots. No? Let’s be honest.. You want to see that movie more than you want to see 3 idiots. Sorry Raju Hirani.. You still have to improve a lot.

6)      People around you are so naïve that they speak out their mind. They just can’t pretend. They will say what they think. You don’t believe me. Just look around. Do you see a beautiful girl walking alone down the street? Yes? Then soon you will see people around her telling her how beautiful she is and what they think about her features (read ‘curves’). What did you say? You are a girl and nothing like this happened to you? Sorry Buddy.. Face the ugly truth: You are not beautiful enough.


7)      There are people who still believe in Jadoo Tona and concepts like Wishing Well. The city has a Wishing Well and every political party, NGO, Mahila Mukti Morcha, and Human Rights Organisation go there and do a “Dharna” hoping their demands will be fulfilled. Want to try your luck too? Go to Jantar-Mantar. You will find people like you trying their luck. You will have company for sure.

8)      You don’t have to visit different cities in India….visit Delhi and you see them all… You have higher temperature than Chennai during summers, lower temperature than Shimla during winters, more Biharis than in Patna and more Punjabis than in Punjab( Pakistani Punjab included).!!


9)      Michael Schumacher is over rated and over hyped. It is very easy to drive a Ferrari on an empty racing track. Can he drive a fully crowded Blue Line bus at even half the speed at which the drivers drive their racing buses?

10)   Last but not the least… People still believe in family values…they never forget or let others forget their blood relatives. Everyone keeps on reminding his fellowmen about their mothers and sisters in every second line with or without any reason.

Joke samajh mein nahin aaya? Teri maa.. Bancho!! Ab Samjhe?

© Shekhar Suman

Checklist before you plan to shift to Chennai..




 Points to consider before you think about settling down in Chennai?
  Here is your check-list before you finally decide.

1) Is your body designed to sustain a temperature of 45 degree Celsius during winters and 55 degree Celsius during summers?

2) Are you completely confident about your lungi tying skills? Chennai people are yet to discover a lungi with provisions for a belt. You are risking yourself of becoming an overnight celebrity due to Wardrobe malfunctions. You may wake up in the morning seeing yourself getting discussed on India TV panel comprising of a Shivsena leader, a gay fashion designer, Baba Ramdev, Brinda karat and Carol Gracious joining on video conferencing. Do not get surprised if you get your own MMS on your mobile. After all it’s a small world.

3) Do you love noodles up to an extent that you fancy reading a newspaper that looks like noodles all over with some pictures in between? If you can’t differentiate between a maggy gone wrong and a Tamil newspaper you might reconsider your decision.

4) Are you going to Chennai for seeing more of Sridevis, Hema Malinis and Asins in Tamil movies? Dude.. The best of Chennai beauties are already working in Hindi movies. Forget Hindi, Naghma has done more Bhojpuri movies than Tamil ones. You don't need to go to Chennai for that.

5) How confident are you about your skills to convince a person especially a Tamil guy. Look at a big MNC like HUL; they are still struggling to convince Chennai lads to use fair-and-lovely with apparently no success. Do you think you are better equipped than HUL? No? Please stop.

6) Were you consider great in those tongue twisters games played during childhood? If not, and you are planning to shift to Chennai, better start practicing with names of places around Chennai as tongue twisters. You don’t want to end up asking for Rasmalai to a taxi guy when you actually wanted to go to Thiruvannamalai.


7) Did you anyhow memorize names of all elements in the periodic tables with their Atomic symbols? Remember.. He-Helium, Al-Aluminum, Fe-Ferrium, Rh-Rutherfodium. If your answer is yes, here is a bigger task for you. Now you will have to remember names like PHTY Balasubramanium, JGTK Kalaburanium. As a general formula for name will be; 4-5 Alphabets in any possible permutation followed by some metallic names Subramanium , Ramchandran or non metallic names like TRSL Ganeshan.



8) Do you have a moustache? If no..Either stop shaving or get ready your son asking you not to come to the parents meet. Coz fathers without moustache at chennai can be a case of deep embarrassment to the kids. If you are a single mom and you can’t have a moustache, at least you should stop visiting waxing parlors to compensate.


9) Do you think importance of coconut in your life is limited up to something you and your girlfriend sipped together using straw and stealing few sweet kisses in between and threw away? Dude if you are coming to Chennai, get ready to accept coconut as your starter, main course, chutney and deserts. Not only that coconut will be your source of cooking oil, hair oil, massage oil, will act as your prasad for god and weapon when you are fighting with goons.

10) Last but not the least. Are you ready for leaving your current religion and accept Rajni as your GOD? What did you say? He is not GOD? Tell me one thing what GOD can do but Rajni cant? Unlike your GOD, he does not have to take different births to show all his Avatars. He just changes his wigs. :)
© Shekhar Suman