Fabulous February has arrived. I am sure your ears can hear the V day
knocking your door and cupid arrows flying in the air. I know your
young hearts are beating at the rate of 150 beats per minute. FYI.. The
heart always remains young whatever be the age of rest of the body. If
it does not, what else can explain Khushwant Singh writing a book named
‘Company of woman’ at the age of 83??
Well.. What I mean is that you have really little time left for preparing yourself for the Valentine’s Day. I am here with gender specific preparatory guide for the upcoming Valentine’s Day.
As all gentlemen said, Ladies first.. Here is a Girl’s preparatory guide for the Valentine’s Day: Read on..
1) Your first step should be to select top 5 of the guys you think they might be interested in you. If you think all guys in your neighborhood is interested in you, Please think again. Dogs chasing car don’t know what to do even if they catch it.
2) I am sure you are facing troubles in separating guys who you think can drive your car from other dogs who are simply chasing you. Yeah, I know it’s tough to separate guys from dogs. Both chase anything fancy, bark when they see other dogs, urinate wherever they want, smell bad, always fight over females, pant even after a little of work and are awake at night. Unfortunately, they are the only things available on the face of earth for you, given we are having straight talks. So you have to choose among them only. Remember even princesses have to settle for frogs. So go ahead at least they are better than frogs. And please don’t get any fancy ideas about a guy from his big feet or big thumbs. Rule of proportionality not applicable everywhere. It’s far easier to get to know these things when someone tells you than you finding out yourself.
3) So you have now separated say five guys from rest of the crowd. It’s time to let them know that you are also interested in them. So now onwards you can cut down on your royal ignores you gave them when they met you in the subways. Smile more often even though they look complete idiot in their new rugged jeans and spiky hairstyle. A mild giggle when they something when you cross them for close distances will affirm your interest in you. Poor guys still believe in that old phrase “ Hasi to Phasi”. Its only you know that your fake smile and laughter is just is trailer of many things you are going to fake in coming future.
4) Now you have to change certain things in you also. No, your novel reading skills, cooking skills, and interest in modern arts have very few takers in the opposite sex. Boys generally appreciate tangible properties and features. By tangible I mean what they can see, feel and touch. Blame it on nature, but you can do little to change how boys are designed. So go change yourself accordingly. Your comfortable two year old flat slippers are a big no no. Go for some fancy heels even though they are as comfortable as slippers with nails. I know, the pullover you are wearing is a gift from your doting dad and those mufflers your mom knitted with her own hands; but it’s time to say them bye-bye. Time to buy-buy some new fancy stuff which shows more of what nature has given you and less of what your parents has given you. The biggest myth of the world is the existence of Inner Beauty. Whenever guys hear the word Inner Beauty, they think something completely different from what creators of this word had in their minds.
5) Now you must have decided the guy who is going to be your valentine. What ?? you haven’t? Come on.. Have not your mummy told you “ Saare mard ek jaise hote hain”.. It’s time to listen to her; otherwise you will be spending your 14th sitting at home eating dark chocolate to fight depression. Go ahead; select any rich guy hardly matters if he is aged, gay, married, psycho, bald or fat. You must have heard “Diamonds are forever, they are women’s best friend”. Nobody mentioned anything about who bought and gifted diamonds to ladies. People buying you gifts will come and go, but gifts are forever. What did you say, you are looking for love? To start with Love means Zero. You don’t have to try to get that. That’s what you end up after losing all your bets.
6) Now we are here on the V-day. Guy comes to pick you up. Never ever open the door of the car yourself. Well if your Valentine came without a car, it means you didn’t follow the earlier steps carefully. Never mind, carry on. Always prefer going to some low key place. Never ever go to the shopping malls; you don’t want to show your shopaholic cougar avatar to scare him away. Don’t go the parks either. These Shiv-sena and Bajrang dal activists prefer raiding parks on Valentine’s Day, so that they can get some eyefuls before they give them mouthfuls. I don’t want you appearing on Hindi news channels with your face covered with your dupattas. Go to a place like temple or church. Places which will protect you from men from Bajrang dal and the man accompanying you.
7) Last but the most important part of the guide: How to accept the gift your boy brought for you. First of all, be completely surprised after he pulls out a gift for you. Act surprised as if you never expected or wanted a gift. Then start with praising the gift. Ohh my God, it’s so lovely. So cute. It will go well with my blue dress or red frock. Then suddenly, change your gear by saying... “No.. I can’t accept this. No way, I can accept gift from you. The time I spent with you is the gift”. Make him feel miserable for buying an expensive gift for you. Make him feel more miserable by telling him that you can’t accept the gift till he starts feeling that its HIM who needs to gift you not YOU who needs a gift. After he is almost broken, accept the gift saying you are doing it for HIM only. Accept the gift and again change your gear to say a thank you with a big smile. The big smile will make the poor boy happy again as he has heard “ Hasi to Phasi”. Finish off the meal and come back home.
Go.. Eat.. Prey.. and Love your Valentine’s day gift. Incase you forget how your Valentine looked like, here is the pic to remind how he must have looked to you!!
If you are a boy and have read this, not everything is lost for you. Wait till I come up with a guide for you too.
Well.. What I mean is that you have really little time left for preparing yourself for the Valentine’s Day. I am here with gender specific preparatory guide for the upcoming Valentine’s Day.
As all gentlemen said, Ladies first.. Here is a Girl’s preparatory guide for the Valentine’s Day: Read on..
1) Your first step should be to select top 5 of the guys you think they might be interested in you. If you think all guys in your neighborhood is interested in you, Please think again. Dogs chasing car don’t know what to do even if they catch it.
2) I am sure you are facing troubles in separating guys who you think can drive your car from other dogs who are simply chasing you. Yeah, I know it’s tough to separate guys from dogs. Both chase anything fancy, bark when they see other dogs, urinate wherever they want, smell bad, always fight over females, pant even after a little of work and are awake at night. Unfortunately, they are the only things available on the face of earth for you, given we are having straight talks. So you have to choose among them only. Remember even princesses have to settle for frogs. So go ahead at least they are better than frogs. And please don’t get any fancy ideas about a guy from his big feet or big thumbs. Rule of proportionality not applicable everywhere. It’s far easier to get to know these things when someone tells you than you finding out yourself.
3) So you have now separated say five guys from rest of the crowd. It’s time to let them know that you are also interested in them. So now onwards you can cut down on your royal ignores you gave them when they met you in the subways. Smile more often even though they look complete idiot in their new rugged jeans and spiky hairstyle. A mild giggle when they something when you cross them for close distances will affirm your interest in you. Poor guys still believe in that old phrase “ Hasi to Phasi”. Its only you know that your fake smile and laughter is just is trailer of many things you are going to fake in coming future.
4) Now you have to change certain things in you also. No, your novel reading skills, cooking skills, and interest in modern arts have very few takers in the opposite sex. Boys generally appreciate tangible properties and features. By tangible I mean what they can see, feel and touch. Blame it on nature, but you can do little to change how boys are designed. So go change yourself accordingly. Your comfortable two year old flat slippers are a big no no. Go for some fancy heels even though they are as comfortable as slippers with nails. I know, the pullover you are wearing is a gift from your doting dad and those mufflers your mom knitted with her own hands; but it’s time to say them bye-bye. Time to buy-buy some new fancy stuff which shows more of what nature has given you and less of what your parents has given you. The biggest myth of the world is the existence of Inner Beauty. Whenever guys hear the word Inner Beauty, they think something completely different from what creators of this word had in their minds.
5) Now you must have decided the guy who is going to be your valentine. What ?? you haven’t? Come on.. Have not your mummy told you “ Saare mard ek jaise hote hain”.. It’s time to listen to her; otherwise you will be spending your 14th sitting at home eating dark chocolate to fight depression. Go ahead; select any rich guy hardly matters if he is aged, gay, married, psycho, bald or fat. You must have heard “Diamonds are forever, they are women’s best friend”. Nobody mentioned anything about who bought and gifted diamonds to ladies. People buying you gifts will come and go, but gifts are forever. What did you say, you are looking for love? To start with Love means Zero. You don’t have to try to get that. That’s what you end up after losing all your bets.
6) Now we are here on the V-day. Guy comes to pick you up. Never ever open the door of the car yourself. Well if your Valentine came without a car, it means you didn’t follow the earlier steps carefully. Never mind, carry on. Always prefer going to some low key place. Never ever go to the shopping malls; you don’t want to show your shopaholic cougar avatar to scare him away. Don’t go the parks either. These Shiv-sena and Bajrang dal activists prefer raiding parks on Valentine’s Day, so that they can get some eyefuls before they give them mouthfuls. I don’t want you appearing on Hindi news channels with your face covered with your dupattas. Go to a place like temple or church. Places which will protect you from men from Bajrang dal and the man accompanying you.
7) Last but the most important part of the guide: How to accept the gift your boy brought for you. First of all, be completely surprised after he pulls out a gift for you. Act surprised as if you never expected or wanted a gift. Then start with praising the gift. Ohh my God, it’s so lovely. So cute. It will go well with my blue dress or red frock. Then suddenly, change your gear by saying... “No.. I can’t accept this. No way, I can accept gift from you. The time I spent with you is the gift”. Make him feel miserable for buying an expensive gift for you. Make him feel more miserable by telling him that you can’t accept the gift till he starts feeling that its HIM who needs to gift you not YOU who needs a gift. After he is almost broken, accept the gift saying you are doing it for HIM only. Accept the gift and again change your gear to say a thank you with a big smile. The big smile will make the poor boy happy again as he has heard “ Hasi to Phasi”. Finish off the meal and come back home.
Go.. Eat.. Prey.. and Love your Valentine’s day gift. Incase you forget how your Valentine looked like, here is the pic to remind how he must have looked to you!!
If you are a boy and have read this, not everything is lost for you. Wait till I come up with a guide for you too.
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