एक ठो लभर बॉय रहिन नाम रहे शांतनु

बहुते साल पहले एक ठो लभर बॉय रहिन नाम रहे शांतनु। भाई साब के माथे पर इशक के भूत ए तरीके से छैले रहे कि कोनों भी मौड़ीयन के देख पसर जैहियेण बस। बस कैसो करके कौनो मौड़ी टांका भिराबै खातिर मान जाए तो लाइफे सेट हो जाई, यही सोच डेली डेली नदी किनारे शिकार पर निकल जैहैं। एक दिन का देखें कि एक ठो बहुते जबरदस्त टाइप मौड़ी नदी किनारे खड़ी रहें। फिर का? फिसल गेलै भाई साब बिना बरसात के। जाके लड़किन को बोलें कि हमरे साथ बियाह रचाई लियो तो तुम्हरी लाइफ बना देंगे। पैसा कौड़ी ज़मीन जायदाद हेरा जवाहरात की कौनो कमी तो थी नहीं लौंडे के पास। देखे में शांतनु भी उ दिन मस्त राजकुमार टाइप लग रैलहै थे। बस बिल्ली के भाग से छीका गया टूट। लड़की मान ता गइली लेकिन एक ठो शर्त रख दीहिस। शर्त इ की आप हमको कभियो किसी बात पर टोकेंगे नहीं, रोकेंगे नहीं। जै दिन टोका, वै दिन चल देंगे हम छोड़ छाड़ के और रह जइयो फिर अकेले। शांतनु मन में विचार करिहें कि ऐसी सुन्दर लुगाई को काहेे ला टोकेंगे। इ मान जाये बस। बिना सोचे समझे हाँ कह दिये भाई साब और गंगा भाभी को ले घर को आ गये। 

फिर तो भाई साब के मजे ही मजे। भाई साब की मेहनत लायो रंग और गंगा भाभी के पाँव हो गियो भारी। एक साल के भीतर एक बेटा भी हुओ । इससे पहले कि शांतनु बाबू मुँह मीठा करवाते सबका, गंगा भाभी बचवन को जाके फेंक आयी पानी में। शांतनु बस कसमसा के रह गइनी। का करते..वादा कर चुके थे कि कभियो किसी बात पर न टोकेंगे। कहीं भाभी छोड़ के गयी तो बचवा तो गया ही लुगाई भी चल देगी। लभर बॉय कितने दिन उदास रहते, कुछे दिन दुःख में गुजारे, फिर खो गए भाभी के प्यार में। अगले साल फिर एक बेटा। भाभी एहो बार बचवन के पानी में बहा आयी। उसके बाद फेर तो इ स्कूल के एनुअल फंक्शन हो गइनी। हर साल भाई साब मेहनत करते, भाभी मेहनत पे पानी फेर आती। सात साल ऐसे ही चलयो। आठवें साल फिर से एक बेटा हुआ, और भाभी जी ले के चल दी बचवे को नदी में बहाने। अबकी बार भैया रोक नहीं पाये अपन को और बोले । बहुत हो गया तुम्हार खेला। अबकी बार बचवे की जान न लेने देंगे। लवर बॉय से पूरा एंग्री यंग मैन बन गए रहैं भाई साब। भाभी भी कोई कच्ची खिलाडन थोड़े न थी। बोली अब तुमसे निबाह न हो पायेगा। हमरी शर्त तोड़ी, हम रिश्ता ही तोड़ के जा रहे हैं। चलो इस बेटे को न मारेंगे, लौटा देंगे तुमको इसको पाल पोस के। इ कह के गंगा भाभी चल दिहिस और हमारे लवर बॉय बन गयो देवदास ।

फिर तो भाई साब 15-20 साल हाथ पैर समेट राज काज पर ध्यान देते रहें फिर एक दिन गंगा भाभी आठवें बेटे को लौटाबे खातिर प्रकट भई । बोलीं की इ लो अपना बेटा देवव्रत। भाई साब खूब कोशिस कर लस कि कैसो से भाभी भी रुक जाये, लेकिन उ हो न सका। भाभी शांतनु भैया के दिल फेर से तोड़ के चल दीं।

भाभी को देख भैया भीतरे भीतर फेर जवान हो गइलस। आखिर घास कब तक ज़मीन के भीतर पड़ल रहें, बारिश को दू बूँद पड़े नहीं कि बढ़ जाऐं हरहरा के। फेर से वही नदी किनारे मटरगश्ती वाली आदत शुरू कर देलस। एक दिन का देखे, कि एक सुन्दर मौड़ी खड़ी है नाव लेके। भाई साब उसके नाव पे का बैठे, डूब गए मौड़ीयन के आँखों में। जाके उसके बाप से बोले कि अपनी लड़की सत्यवती का बियाह हमसे कर दो , तुम्हरी और तुम्हरी बेटी दोनों की लाइफ सेट कर देंगे। पहले तो बुढऊ बाप बड़ी माई बाप करलस की हमरे भाग खुल गए और फलाना ढिमका। इससे पहले की अपने लवर बॉय मन में फूटे लड्डू खा पाते, बुढऊ रख दिहिस एक शर्त। शर्त इ की आपका बेटा देवव्रत राजा न बनिहैं, राजा बनिहैं तो हमार नाती। इ शर्त सुन लवर बॉय समझ गये की लड्डू हाथ तो आया पर मुंह न आया। मन में सोचे कि शर्त मानने वाली बात अब न मानेंगे। पर का करें किस्मते लिखी गयी है हमरी गधे की कलम से, बिना शर्त कोई मौड़ी हां ही ना बोलती। बोले इ शर्त हम न मान सकते, और कह के लौट आये।

पर फेर से वही सत्यवती की याद में मुंह लटकाय के घर में बैठे रहें अपने भाई साब। बेटवा भी जवान हो गये रहें, समझ गइनी कि बापू फेर से कहीं फिसल गए हैं। ज्यादा काबिल बनै के चक्कर में पहुच गए अपने ही बाप के लगन लेकर बुढऊ और सत्यवती के पास। बुढऊ समझ गइनी कि लौंडा जवानी के जोश में कुछो दे बैठेगा। बेचारे नए लौंडे से कहलवा लिया कि ऊ ज़िन्दगी भर कुंवारे रहेगा औ कुंआरे ही मरेगा। देवब्रत अपन बाप लवर बॉय के लिए नयी लुगाई ले अइ लस तो बाप भी थोड़ी देर खातिर खूब आशिरबाद वगैरह दिहिस कि खूबे ज़िंदा रहो लेकिन फिर अपनी नयी बीवी के साथे अपने पुराने दिन गुज़ारने लगिस।

ऐ लंबी लवर बॉय कहानी से दू ठो बतवा समझे के हइ । पहला इशक लडैयो लेकिन थोड़ा लिमिट में रह के। इतना जरूर ध्यान रखियो की अपने ही हिस्से का इश्कबाज़ी करे न की बेटवा के हिस्से की इश्कबाज़ी भी खुदे कर जइयो। दूसरा इ की इश्कबाज़ी के चक्कर में लड़की पावे खातिर जो सो बात पर हाँ न कर दियोे। वरना होगा इ की आप तो मस्ती करके निकल लोगे और आपका बेटवा बिना बाप बने ही ज़िंदगी भर पितामह पितामह कहलैतै रहीं। मतलब इ की खाया न पिया गिलास तोडिस दस हज़ार का।सावधानी हटी दुर्घटना घटी। बाकी आप खुदे समझदार हो। हाँ हैप्पी वाला वैलेंटाइन डे तो बोलना भूलिये गये। लगता है बूढ़ा रहे है ससुरा।

दादर से बोरिवली

भाई दादर से बोरिवली आने का बेस्ट तरीका बताओ??

बेस्ट तरीका ठीक नही रहेगा। बेस्ट बस बहुत टाइम लगाती है। तुम वहां से लोकल ले लेना।

थैंक यू भाई। मैं इधर नया आया ना। ज्यादा आईडिया नही है मुझे।

नया है तू? तो पहले बोलने का ना। देख तेरे को दादर से ट्रेन लेना है। दादर टर्मिनस मत चले जाना। उधर से एक्सप्रेस ट्रेन मिलती है, लोकल नही।

ओके। चलता हूँ।

हाँ। वेस्टर्न लाइन वाले प्लेटफार्म पर जाना। सेंट्रल वाले पर बोरिवली की ट्रेन नही मिलेगी।

और कुछ?

वेस्टर्न लाइन पर स्लो वाली ट्रेन लोगे या फ़ास्ट वाली?

अब यह क्या है?

स्लो वाली सब स्टेशन पर रुकती है। फ़ास्ट सब जगह नही रुकती। लेकिन बोरीवली फ़ास्ट स्टेशन है, तो तुम फ़ास्ट ट्रेन पकड़ लेना।

अब चलूँ?

अबे पूरी बात तो सुन। विरार वाली फ़ास्ट मत पकड़ लेना।

क्यों? विरार फ़ास्ट बोरीवली नही रुकेगी क्या?

रुकेगी लेकिन लोग तुम्हें बोरीवली उतरने नही देंगे।

तो स्लो पकड़ लूँ?

हाँ तुम्हें टाइम थोड़ा ज्यादा लगेगा। पर ठीक है। जाओ। 12:41 वाली पकड़ लेना। खाली रहती है।

ओके धन्यवाद। चलता हूँ।

एक बात तो बताना भूल ही गया। टिकट कौन सा लिया तुमने। सेकंड क्लास ही लिया होगा। फिर फर्स्ट क्लास में मत बैठ जाना। फाइन लग जायेगा।

बाप रे। पहचानूंगा कैसे? फर्स्ट क्लास में AC लगा होता है क्या?

हा हा। ऐसी। पूरा अलीबाग से आया है। फर्स्ट क्लास के डब्बे पर लाल धारियां होती हैं। सेकंड क्लास में ही बैठना।

भाई। इतना कौन याद रखेगा। मैं टैक्सी ले लूंगा।

ओके ठीक है। लेकिन आज शिवसेना की हड़ताल है। टैक्सी नहीं मिलेगी। ट्रेन ही ले लेना।

ओके चलूँ? ट्रेन से ही जाऊंगा।

एक और बात याद रखना। लेडीज स्पेशल मत पकड़ लेना। जेंट्स को अलावुड नही है।

भाई। और कुछ?

हां।आज रविवार है क्या?

हां तो?

रविवार को मेगाब्लोक रहता है। आज ट्रेन नही मिलेगी। जय महाराष्ट्रा।

जय महाराष्ट्रा।

अंकल शब्द

अंग्रेज चले तो गये पर कुछ ऐसी चीजें पीछे छोड़ गये जिससे वो रहें न रहें उनका काम होता रहे। अब भला अंग्रेजों का काम क्या था? भारतीयों का मनोबल गिरा कर रखना, उन्हें हमेशा यह याद दिलाना कि उनका कुछ नहीं हो सकता। उनका इतिहास भले ही स्वर्णिम रहा हो, पर भविष्य अंधकारमय है। भला यही करके तो उन्होंने भारतीयों पर ऐसे शासन भी किया। और हमपर उनकी ग़ुलामी का ऐसा असर देखिये, कि इतना करने के बावजूद हमारे काफी लोगों को लगता है किया कि हम पर राज कर उन्होंने हम पर एहसान ही किया।

अंग्रेजों के इस बेइज़्ज़त कर राज करने के गूढ़ फॉर्मूले को कोई एक शब्द अपने में समेटे हुए है तो वो शब्द है अंकल। अंकल दो शब्दों से मिलकर बना है, अन और कल। मतलब जिसका कोई कल न हो। जिसकी उमर हो चली हो। जो बुड्ढा हो चुका हो। बस किसी को अंकल कह दो, उसे यह संदेश चला जाता है कि चचा आपका वक़्त पूरा हो चुका है। आपका गेम ओवर। यह एक शब्द अंकल सामने वाले के आत्मविश्वास को जितने बुरे तरीके से घायल करता है , उतने बुरे तरीके से तो भंसाली की फिल्में इतिहास को घायल नहीं करती। उतने बुरे तरीके से तो आईपीएल ने क्रिकेट का बंटाधार नहीं किया। उतने बुरे तरीके से तो महेश भट्ट की फ़िल्म सड़क ने फ़िल्म टैक्सी ड्राइवर का कबाड़ा नहीं किया था। 

अंकल शब्द का पैनापन उसके द्वारा की गई बेइज़्ज़ती तक ही सीमित रहता तो कोई बात नहीं। लोग बेइज़्ज़ती का बदला ले सकते है, मगर उस चीज़ का बदला कैसे लें, जिसे सम्मान की दुशाला ओढा कर आपके ओर फेंक दिया गया है। भाई , आपको अंकल कहा, आपका सम्मान किया। कोई कमअक्ल थोड़े ही कहा है। सुनने में भले ही अंकल और कमअक्ल एक जैसे लगें, लेकिन हमने तो आपको अंकल कहा है, अब आपको कमअक्ल सुनाई दे रहा है तो शायद आपके सुनने की ताकत कम हो रही है । बढ़ती उमर का तकाजा है।

यह लो। सफाई देने के चक्कर में आपको अंकल कहने वालों ने आपको एक और तमगा दे डाला। न केवल आपकी उमर हो चली है, आपकी अकल भी कम है और आप ऊंचा भी सुनने लगे हो। अब आप ही कहो यह अंकल शब्द गाली नही तो क्या है। गाली भी कोई साधारण गाली नही, साधारण गाली देने वाले को वही गाली वापस से देकर अपनी फ़ज़ीहत थोड़ी कम की जा सकती है। कमीने।
तू कमीना।
तेरी माँ।।
तेरी भी माँ।

साधारण गालियों का साधारण हिसाब। अब अंकल कोई साधारण गाली तो है नहीं, जिसने आपको अंकल कहा, उसे वापस अंकल नहीं कह सकते। दादू नहीं कह सकते। बस एक ही बात कह सकते है। हां बेटा। कुछ कह रहे थे आप।
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आपके जवाब ने यह सिद्ध कर दिया कि आपका आईफोन, आपकी महंगी जीन्स और आपका हेयर डाई सब मिलकर भी आपकी उमर छुपा ना सके। आपने मान लिया कि आपका वक़्त गुज़र चुका है। अंकल शब्द सुनना कुछ वैसा ही है जैसे परशुराम द्वारा राम का धनुष तोड़ते देखना। एक तो आपका धनुष गया , ऊपर से यह भी पता चला कि आपके मॉडल का दूसरा नया वर्सन मार्केट में आ चुका है। अब आपकी वही औकात है जो आईफोन एक्स से सामने नोकिया 3310 की है। अच्छा होगा कि अब आप अपने जंग लगे फरसे को उठाओ और पतली गली से निकल लो।

पर अंकल शब्द को इतना भी दिल से लगाने की जरूरत नहीं है। अंकल शब्द आपको वो संदेश देता है जो गीता में श्रीकृष्ण ने दिया था। वही कि समय सबसे बलवान है। आप कितने भी बड़े सूरमा हों, आपका आज अंकल और कल आपका पितामह बनना तय है। अंकल कह कर नई पीढ़ी ने आपको समय रहते चेताया है कि आप बुढ़ापे के शरशय्या से ज्यादा दूर नहीं हो। बाकी आप खुद समझदार हो, आप चाहो तो अंकल कह आपकी बेइज्जती करने वाले अभिमन्यु का प्रतिकार कर बदला ले सकते हो । लेकिन इतिहास आपको अभिमन्यु वध के लिये माफ नही करेगा। समझदारी इसी में है कि चचा, अंकल, अंकल जी जैसे शब्दबाण अपने सीने में लगने दें। उफ़ तक ना करें। बेइज़्ज़ती किसी तरीके से आपकी कम नहीं हो सकती। दर्द तो वक्त के साथ बढ़ता ही जायेगा। अंकल शब्द सुन चेहरे पर मुस्कान की हल्की रेखा आने दें। कम से कम शहादत तो हाथ लगेगी। भागते भूत की लंगोटी भली। हारे को हरिनाम। जय श्री राम।

How To Celebrate a Liberal Diwali on Social Media with #HashTags

Step By Step guideline for Celebrating a liberal Diwali on Social Media.. #CelebrateDiwaliWithHashtags

1) Buy/Order a diesel guzzler SUV this Diwali and make it your profile pic with Hashtag #BigBoysBigToys #FeelingMacho

2) Have every inch of your house covered by total of 6 tonnes capacity Air conditioners to ensure a sound sleep your family and pet dog. Share some cute pics of your dog sleeping in AC room with the hashtag #HomeIsWhereHeartIs #MahBaby

3) Advance book tickets to watch Big Diwali release first day first show spending Rs 600 per ticket and spend another Rs 500 per plate of Nachos / Cola. Hashtag #FeelingBlessed #ADHMRocks.

) Deny a road side vendor of Crackers and Diyas their Diwali business by sharing and promoting #SmokelessDiwali #CrackerFreeDiwali #SayNoToCrackers . Share your selfies taken at Sydney Fireworks show taken during your last Sydney trip. #SensationalSydney #WhenFireLooksCool

5) Frown at your maid if she asks for a Diwali Bonus. If she still insists give her a Rs 100 note . Share this update with hashtag #GivingIsBliss #FeelingBlessed

6) If someone mentions your hypocrisies, Share posts with #IStandwithFOE, #EmergencyIsBack , #IdeaOfIndia #SayNoToHinduRashtra .

7) On Diwali morning, take pics from your own society / building with litter from cracker all around. Hashtag #FailedSwachhBharatAbhiyaan #WillModiAnswer #KyaYahihainAchcheDin.

8) In case you are confused, which hashtags are to be used, use following hashtags. These hashtags will work with any liberal message. #GangaJamunaTahjeeb #CelebrateDiwaliButRememberGaza #NoToNationalismYesToSecularism #WhyCelebrateWhenSyriaIsSuffering

9) Start browsing and planning for better and progressive festivals like Christmas. Hashtag #EarlyChristmas #Jinglebells #BeMySanta.

A bihari wedding

 You should attend a wedding in Bihar if:
1)      You want to see how rich Biharis really are: Biharis spend money like anything on their marriages. Most of the times it the obscene amount of money they get as dowry. So it will be mostly groom’s side, spending money. It’s easy to explain those kinds of expenditures... Mercilessly earned... Mercilessly spent. If you think, Bihar is poor; Bihari Weddings will make you think again.


2)      You want to see the maximum amount of food a human can consume: One baraati can eat more than 10 normal people. People with such gigantic appetites are especially invited to the weddings. They are considered “Shaan ki Baat”. I am not talking about legends... I am an eyewitness of people eating more than 120 rasgullas in dinner. And it was not the only thing they had; they ate mutton, rice, curd, and other sweets along with those. Yeah, water was used only for washing hands post dinner, never for drinking. A warning : one dinner party can continue upto 4 hours..



3)      You want to literally see power flowing through barrel of gun: The might of baarat party is judged on following factors... How many  vehicles they came in, how many  guns they brought  and how many gun shots  they fired, how many cars had red light on them, is there any person among baaraties is an  MP/MLA or has at least contested any election, IAS/IPS among baarties carry extra points. Needless to say, invitations for attending the baarat are sent keeping these factors in mind.


4)      You want to see item numbers in real life: You must have seen Shilpa Shetty dancing on “Main aayee hoon, UP Bihar lootne”, or erstwhile Mananyata (Now Mrs Sanjay Dutt) dancing at “Alhad mast Jawani” in Movie Gangaajal. If you think that these item dances happens only in movies, here comes your eye-opener. In Western Bihar, those dances and dancers are integral part of any marriage. Marriages can’t be complete without those raunchy dance numbers. It is our own original version of hyped bachelor parties. Apart from those professional performers, you get to see dozens of amateur dancers around the lady performing. I am sure you have not seen those dance forms unless you come to Bihar. To name a few dance forms they are called “ Lungi Naach”,” Gamchha Dance”, “Naagin- Sapera Dance”.. In fact every amateur dancer you see displays a different dance form.


5)      You want to see alternate use of roads: 95% of marriages in Bihar happen on the road. Well literally... all Pandals are made on the road. Traffic is either diverted or stopped for wedding to happen. More powerful the family more space they occupy on the road for longer duration.


6)      You want to see wedding cards which carry more information than Resumes: In Bihar, Wedding invitations serve the purpose of not only inviting you to the wedding, they are also form of showing what they really are. Well, most of the cards will start with a really cheap poem. Here is an example :

फूल महकेंगे कलियाँ मुस्कुरायेगी, जब हमारी बिटिया दुल्हन बन जायेगी
आप के आने से,  हमारी शान और बढ़ जायेगी

 Next page will contain Groom’s name followed by names of all the degrees he has achieved, government posts he has worked for, and companies he has worked for.  E.g. groom’s name will typically read like this : yeah,  you can find detailed description of his father’s lifelong achievements also.

Here is an example:
आयुष्मान शांतनु कुमार सिंह ( बंटी बाबू )
( सोफ्टवेयर इंजिनियर , ऍम बी ऐ , ऍम सी ऐ , दिल्ली में कार्यरत )
प्रथम सुपुत्र : श्री भारतेंदु कुमार सिंह ( बड़े बाबू )
( अवकाश प्राप्त वरिष्ठ अधिकारी , भारत सरकार )

Most of the weddings cards will also carry a special request from some kid of the family.
Most likely it will read like this :
मेरे चाचा / मामा की  छादी में जलूल से जलूल आना  .. गोलू और पूजा




   Obviously, if the wedding card will carry so much information , there will hardly be any place for maps or guidelines telling you how to reach marriage venue. Don’t worry.. You can easily recognize the wedding venue.. If a marriage is happening within 10 kms radius, you can hear the sounds of half dozen generators that bark tirelessly so that there can be electricity. Also, needless to say, there will be electricity only in the house you are invited, thanks to the generators.

How do you know you are in Kolkta

How do you know you are in Kolkata?

You know you are in Kolkata when you realize that:

1. " Left" is the only "Right” thing.

2. You are in deep shortage of Change as any note above Rs 10 is a non-liquid asset in your wallet.

3. In an era where people can’t afford wooden furniture’s, you have Buses made up of timber.

4. Park Circus is neither a park nor a circus.

5. Dadagiri is not about Hooliganism, It is a Quiz show hosted by Dada Sourav Gangopadhyay.

6. You have reached a land where Drinking is completely banned. So you stop drinking and start eating everything right from cigarettes, liquor, soups and Water.

7. Dan Brown's " Da Vinci Code" is an incomplete novel because it does not explain the "Da" Code of Kolkata. How come everybody on the street is a "Da" ? Must be Holy Grail!!!

8. Bipasha, Riya, Raima, Munmun, Rani are a case of wrong and biased sampling to showcase Bengal Beauty. Reality is different!!


9. Every alternate bus stop is a " Danga" or " Gachhi" or a "Tala".

10. Everything from worst to best is golden. Red light area is " Sona-Gachhi" and Five star Hotel is " Sonar Bangla".

11. Last but not the least: Looking at the filmi posters you realize that Mithun Da is still capable of wooing girls with his Pelvic thrusts dancing!!!

Some honest New year wishes for People NOT your friends!!!

 On New Year everyone wished each one a happy new year. How untrue are those wishes!!!  I am sure you don’t want everyone to have a really happy new year. You want few people around you to have a pathetic, rotten, stinking, horrible new year.

 They may be anyone like your cruel boss, your ex girl friends who dumped you ( Okay let’s call her a bitch!!!), your ex boy friend who was using you as his backup till he found a new chick, or your former friend who took your money and never returned them..

Whatever be the case.. You don’t want these people to have a Happy and prosperous new year  ..
Well ..Here are some new year wishes for these people .. These reflect the  real feelings you want to convey .. But as you are a stylish person.. how can you wish anybody without displaying some style.. Let us do it in pure Bollywood style..

1)       Naye saal mein teri shaadi ho ho rahi ho hai.. Bhagwan kare teri saas Lalita Pawar jaisi dusht ho..

2)      Bhagwan kare teri saalian / nanad Tuntun aur Guddi maruti jaise hon.


3)      Tere saale, dewar, aur  sasur Keshto mukherjee jaise bewede hon.

4)      Teri shaadi ka plan “ RGV ki aag “ se badi flop ho..


5)      Teri biwi ka Emraan hashmi type Ex boyfriend ho..

6)      Tuje naye saal mein Mahesh Bhatt type Khujli ho jaaye.. Aur tu Guzarish ke Hritik ki tarah baitha rahe, per khuja naa paaye!!


7)      Teri Beti Rakhi Sawant type item number karke paise kamaye, aur phir saare paise doctor ko de aaye..

8)      Teri naak Koyna Mitra jaisi ho jaaye..
 

9)      Teri biwi Kangna ranout type psycho nikle..

10)   Tera hone wala husband Ranjeet se bhi bada rapist ho..


11)   Teri maa ko Nirupa Roy wali khaasi ho jaaye, jo kabhi na chhoote.

12)   Tujhe teri girlfriend waise hi chhod de jaise Shahid Kapoor ko Kareena ne chhoda .. Uske baad woh tere baap ke umar ke aadmi ya tere baap ki girl friend ban jaaye.


13)   Tu khud Munni ki tarah badnaam ho jaaye aur tu Manoj kumar type moonh chhupaata phire..

14)   Tere baal Himesh reshmaiya type gir jaayein.. Tu Anupam Kher type dikhe..


15)   Tujhe “Teri Meharbaaniyaan”  ke remake mein kutte ka role offer ho!!


16)   Teri bahan ko “Gunda”  ke remake mein  Bulla ki bahan ka role mile.


17)   Tera beta Bobby deol, Uday chopra aur Tushar Kapoor se bhi bada nikamma nikle..

18)   Tujhe naye saal mein sunny deol type hand pump ukhadne ka kaam mile.


19)   Thakur ke tarah tere haath kat jaayein.. Aur tujhe tab loose motion ho jaaye jab tera Ram Lal chhutti per gaya hua ho.

20)   Tera beta Pritam aur Anu Malik ke bada chor kahlaaye.


21)   Last but not the least :  Tujhe apne budhaape tak apne bete ka kharch chalana pade , jaise bachchan saab chala rahe hain!!


© Shekhar Suman .. But you can use it for taking out your own frustration!!!

Doordarshan -- our first love

Impending magical date of 1/1/11 is creating a feeling of nostalgia for the year bidding adieu.. I  also got very nostalgic for old Doordarshan .. here is some of my thoughts as a tribute to our first love, we called Doordarshan..

1)      It telecasted Swayamvar of worthy and beautiful Princesses like Draupadi and Sita, with Rama and Arjun attending their Svayamvar.  It didn’t believe in telecasting svayamvars of drug addict divorced men and half human-half silicone women.

2)      It showed advertisements which were bigger hits than programs themselves. Remember..Maan gaye.. Aaapki paarkhi nazar…. Vicks ki goli lo.. hamara kal hamara aaj.. yeh bechara kaam ka maara.. I don’t need to complete anyone of the above phrases.. I am sure you already read it completely.


3)      It showed reality shows with searched real talents like Sunidhi Chauhaan, without diving country based on regions and earning millions on name of sms voting by provoking regional divide.


4)      It had some excellent filler like “Mile sur mera tumhara”, ““Anant gagan ek hai”. We as kids remembered every stanza of these songs without even knowing in which language we were singing.  Even रुकावट के लिये खेद है (” Rukavat ke liye khed hai” ) and समाचार थोडी देर में .( “Samachar Thodi Der mein” ) were loved.


5)      For Doordarshan, News meant NEWS.  It didn’t include special prime time features on Dimpy Mahjan, Rakhi Sawant. It believed only police should deal with the criminals and rapists. It didn’t believe that criminals and crimes should reach everyone’s house as glamour filled dramatic shows.

6)      TV serials dealt with real people and real emotions. Remember Udaan, Hum log and Swabhimaan (Here I am bit Biased!! I loved this serial..I had a deep crush on Kitu Gidvani).  The actors looked actors not like hangers displaying designer clothes, half pound makeup and two pounds Jewellery   while they are working in a kitchen. And yes.. Doordarshan serials had stories for a change.

7)      I am writing separate paragraph for Ramayana and Mahabharata. I don’t consider them as serials. They were epics in true sense. They were responsible for letting our generation to know our grand history and culture. Salute to grand Vision of Mr BR Chopda who translated Mahabharta so perfectly that I am yet to find a flaw in that. Be it Mr Harish Bhimani’s voice “ Main Samay hoon” or most talented bunch of cast ever assembled for a TV serial. Also a big big hats off to Dr Rahi Masoom Raja for her immortal dialogues. I remember many people calling their parents Mata-Shree and Pita Shree .. We kids also imagined ourselves as warriors with a bow on our shoulders and few arrows on our back. Days.. Golden days.. for sure!!


8)      Rangoli and Chitrahaar and even Superhit Muqabala to some extent were a brand in themselves. It was not the songs we waited for, we waited for Chitrahaaar and Rangoli. They must be doing something good, simple and honest. Such was the magic of Chitahaar that I liked even Sunil Shetty when he danced or tried to dance on " Shahar ki Ladki". :)



9)      Last but not the least: Doordarshan was and is the only channel which started its day with Vande Matram.

People may say we miss Doordarshan so much because it had no competition and it was the only channel. Can I discard your love for your Mom as you had no other mom. We loved Doordarshan as it was our first love and will always be..

Though it’s sad to see Doordarshan, despite having such wide reach and infrastructure, dying its slow death (or its dead already) due to some incompetent government officials and complete lack of strategy to deal with changed scenario. “Prasar Bharti” opposite to its name has only contributed in shrinking Doordarshan to its current size which might be smaller than Mahua TV.

©Shekhar Suman

Why people working in MNCs do not want to marry?

People working in MNCs and big corporate houses do not want to marry because

1)      They hate their manager because they judge a person on how much time she/she spends in the office. Quality of time spent is never a factor considered.  They don’t want yet another manager at home as their spouses at home, demanding more and more time to be spent with them.


2)      They are already tired of laughing at stale and tasteless jokes of their bosses. Bigger torture is saying” That was a good one and new one” after going though that torturous BPL joke. Obviously they don’t want to praise the food similar to their boss’s joke in the sense that it is also an assault at all of their five senses. They know they will have to praise the food for the only reason that their spouse cooked it. Laughing at bosses stale jokes and appreciating them is already enough for them.


3)      They hate wearing big ID cards all day long. It makes them feel like a tamed dog with a lace around their neck. Obviously they don’t want to wear jewelry like rings and sindoor to pronounce that they have been tamed in their personal lives too.

4)      They hate their “Team buildings” exercises within the team, they hate to be a part of. Worst part of those team building sessions is the stupid games they play to socialize with people they would have killed if they are assured of pardon. Obviously they don’t want to socialize with in-laws and others just because they have to. Worst part is the stupid games you have to plays with the kids you are supposed to play as their New “Jija ji”, “Mausa Ji”, “Bhabhi ji” and “mami Ji”.


5)      They are already tempted and frustrated by the beautiful faces that invariably join different project or team than their own. They are still wondering why no pretty face ever joined their team or shared cubicle with them. They know their frustrations are only going to increase after they see their better looking “Saalis and Devars” getting married to less eligible candidates than themselves.


6)      They are already annoyed enough with the worthless gifts like ugly looking coffee mugs, pathetic T-shirts, pen holders and really lousy laptop bags they receive as a token of appreciations for their performances. They don’t want to get those worthless pair of dresses from their in-laws,   which shopkeeper shows to you only after announcing the fact that you are buying a gift for somebody; reminding them of the worthless gifts they get their office. And they get those gifts in return of a weekend ruined entertaining them, playing a perfect host.  These worthless gifts can never compensate for the plans of an awesome plan they had for their weekend.

7)      Last but not the least: They hate performance reviews. They think that performance reviews are torture even if done once in a year. They hate performance reviews because even if they perform well, they never get proportionate appraisals. So obviously they can’t stand performance reviews on an average thrice a week, with almost no appraisals.

Indian Rail ka Khel

 Indian Railways is made up of two words. Indian and railways. This post is dedicated to Indians travelling by Indian Railways. You see a variety of Indians inside a railway compartment. You also must have seen these people but may be not noticed as you were busy looking outside the window.  So here is a list of types of people you forgot to observe.

1)      The “Hum-Rail-ke-aur-Rail-hamare-baap-ki” Junta: These are the people who truly believe in the phrase you often see written in railway compartments;” Railway Aapki Sampatti hai” (railway is your property). Buying tickets is against their moral code. After all why should they pay for using something that belongs to them? These people are often characterized by the ultimate confidence they display once they see the ticket checker. They will put the most confident face to escape the penalty. You get to see their creative side when actually demands for a ticket. You will listen to most creative but unbelievable stories explaining, why they could not buy a ticket. In most cases, they will end up greasing the palms of men-in-black. Thanks to these people take home salary and dowry demanded for a TTE is at least twice than a software engineer.

2)      The “Yatri-gan-kripya-dhyaan-dein”  junta: These people are walking and talking travel guides. They will tell you which trains you should take, where you should change the trains, which train is running late today, which trains have changed their routes, why that train is good, what that train in bad. In short they will not let you miss the annoying and repetitive platform announcements even in running trains.  Like the platform announcements they are least bothered if anybody is interested listening to them.


3)      The “coal steam engine” Junta: Looking at these passengers make you feel if you are watching some foodie show on TV. Right from the moment they arrive in the compartment, they will open their big Tiffin’s and start munching on food they brought from home. In addition to that, they will not disappoint any vendor, panty wala, or  peanuts wala that cross them by. They will invariably buy and surprisingly consume too all kinds of food all the time during journey. Looking at them you will be surely reminded of Old Coal steam engines, being fed with coals continuously using a spade.


4)    The “Sophisticated”  junta: These people generally won’t mix up with other passengers. Either they will read novels, listen to their walkman or simply sleep.  Some of them will open their laptop even if only thing they will do will be changing the wallpapers but they will do.  Yeah, if they consider you worthy of talking, and if you are lucky enough to get their attention, they will surely explain why they could not get a flight ticket, and it’s the only time they are travelling by the train. Though once you ask about information on flights, they again go back to their novel or lappy, without answering your question.


5)   The” complaint box “Junta: Talking to these guys make you believe that how miserable it is to travel by train. They will give all graphic details of recent and past railway accidents. They will warn you of each beggar and sweepers as they might run away with your shoes. They will advise you to use your shoes as pillow to prevent their theft and not to accept any food from any strangers except themselves. If you are on a long travel, in the morning they will enlighten you with the knowledge about toilets in the compartment. Which one of them is dirty and soiled and have no water supply.


 6)    The “naïve newlyweds” junta : Going through the list you might get a feeling that all annoying kind of people travel by train. Well it’s not like that. We have a kind of passengers which can compensate for all above categories. These are newlyweds probably going for their honeymoon and may be returning from there. These innocent young people think that everyone except them in the compartment is sleeping. These lovey dovey souls are yet to realize that Its love that is blind not their co-passengers!! They provide you the soothing experience after you had a tough day coping with people belonging to above categories. And before you blame them with charges of indecency, first get hold of the main culprit “ the TTE”.   TTE told them.. Aisa kariye, ladies ko neeche wala berth per sula dijiye aur aap upar so jaaeye!! They are simply following his instructions. J

Why West bengal Should be renamed as STOP Bengal.

 West Bengal should be called as STOP Bengal.Here are my own reasons why I think so..
1)      Girls are so beautiful that they can STOP your heartbeat. (It’s always better to start on a positive note).

2)      West Bengal taught Ratan Tata the real use of his Surname. He was told tata bye bye and had to STOP his Nano plans. Mamta di almost renamed the car as NO-NO car.

3)      Audience at Eden garden can STOP a cricket match if India is losing or Dada gets out.

4)      5 people with Red flag in their hands can STOP traffic at Howrah Bridge demanding an apology from the Central government because they said Neta ji Was a great leader. Neta ji is still alive, at least Bengalis think so!!

5)      Bengal found the answer to the question; every science fiction movie tries to answer. Who will win the battle between Man and Machines? Jyoti Babu answered it long back by STOPping all machines at 3000 industries in West Bengal. Hail Humanity.. Machines must lose.

6)      You are frustrated because your company does not give you much holidays. Ask for a transfer to Kolkata and STOP worrying about leaves. You will get at least 7 days more leaves than any other cities. There are special holidays called Bengal Bandhs here, which every Bengali celebrates staying at home and enjoying. I don’t know why they call it Bharat bandh while it’s only Bengal who follows it religiously.

7)      Youth STOP playing any sports and join a KLAAB (club) nearby after passing 10th. They are responsible for arranging for huge loudspeakers in your locality to make you listen to Bangla Mala D’s (melodies) during Durga Puja. Rest of the time, they plan for arranging Puja, Adda and Jatra. Are you thinking how they earn their Roji-Roti. FYI: They never eat roti. They eat Bhat and Machh!! That’s too Machh!!!

8)      Finally underground Metro trains at Kolkata are learning to STOP between stations (almost everywhere) from their counterparts running on roads above ground.

9)      Last but not the least but worst for sure: Don’t know who told the train drivers  not to stop even when a herd of elephants is crossing a railway track. They are getting killed every day. Railway authorities : Please listen to us Indians ( if you can!!).. STOP STOP STOP!!!

© Shekhar Suman

When can you safely say “ Ab Dilli door nahin” ..

  You can safely say that you are in Delhi when you see :
1)      Word “Bihar” is still in fashion. People are not ashamed of naming their colonies after “Bihar”. Every colony is fighting for adding Bihar to its name.  Trend does not look like fading away any soon.. You will have more Sapna Bihars, Yamuna Bihars coming in future.

2)      People are continuously talking about a place where there are no fools or “Aey-Da” as we call in Marathi. Don’t believe me? The place they are referring to is named “No-Eda”.


3)      There is a place which is so crowded that you can not stand there, shops are so costly that you can not buy anything, girls are wearing dresses you can not take your eyes off, parking lots are so full, that you can not park your car. No wonder the place is called “Can – Not Place”.

4)      There is a garden where you can still see men and women displaying affection in most primitive fashion ignoring all people around them as if they don’t even exist. No I am not talking about Adam and eve in Eden Park. I am simply talking about Lodhi Garden.


5)      The school kids are so talented that they make movies which are bigger hits than 3 idiots, even without stars like Aamir Khan and Kareena. Forget stars, they don’t even need a camera. They simply shoot themselves with their mobile. Chances of you having seen that movie is at least 3 times more than your chances of having seen 3 idiots. No? Let’s be honest.. You want to see that movie more than you want to see 3 idiots. Sorry Raju Hirani.. You still have to improve a lot.

6)      People around you are so naïve that they speak out their mind. They just can’t pretend. They will say what they think. You don’t believe me. Just look around. Do you see a beautiful girl walking alone down the street? Yes? Then soon you will see people around her telling her how beautiful she is and what they think about her features (read ‘curves’). What did you say? You are a girl and nothing like this happened to you? Sorry Buddy.. Face the ugly truth: You are not beautiful enough.


7)      There are people who still believe in Jadoo Tona and concepts like Wishing Well. The city has a Wishing Well and every political party, NGO, Mahila Mukti Morcha, and Human Rights Organisation go there and do a “Dharna” hoping their demands will be fulfilled. Want to try your luck too? Go to Jantar-Mantar. You will find people like you trying their luck. You will have company for sure.

8)      You don’t have to visit different cities in India….visit Delhi and you see them all… You have higher temperature than Chennai during summers, lower temperature than Shimla during winters, more Biharis than in Patna and more Punjabis than in Punjab( Pakistani Punjab included).!!


9)      Michael Schumacher is over rated and over hyped. It is very easy to drive a Ferrari on an empty racing track. Can he drive a fully crowded Blue Line bus at even half the speed at which the drivers drive their racing buses?

10)   Last but not the least… People still believe in family values…they never forget or let others forget their blood relatives. Everyone keeps on reminding his fellowmen about their mothers and sisters in every second line with or without any reason.

Joke samajh mein nahin aaya? Teri maa.. Bancho!! Ab Samjhe?

© Shekhar Suman