Showing posts with label Bihar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bihar. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

A bihari wedding

 You should attend a wedding in Bihar if:
1)      You want to see how rich Biharis really are: Biharis spend money like anything on their marriages. Most of the times it the obscene amount of money they get as dowry. So it will be mostly groom’s side, spending money. It’s easy to explain those kinds of expenditures... Mercilessly earned... Mercilessly spent. If you think, Bihar is poor; Bihari Weddings will make you think again.


2)      You want to see the maximum amount of food a human can consume: One baraati can eat more than 10 normal people. People with such gigantic appetites are especially invited to the weddings. They are considered “Shaan ki Baat”. I am not talking about legends... I am an eyewitness of people eating more than 120 rasgullas in dinner. And it was not the only thing they had; they ate mutton, rice, curd, and other sweets along with those. Yeah, water was used only for washing hands post dinner, never for drinking. A warning : one dinner party can continue upto 4 hours..



3)      You want to literally see power flowing through barrel of gun: The might of baarat party is judged on following factors... How many  vehicles they came in, how many  guns they brought  and how many gun shots  they fired, how many cars had red light on them, is there any person among baaraties is an  MP/MLA or has at least contested any election, IAS/IPS among baarties carry extra points. Needless to say, invitations for attending the baarat are sent keeping these factors in mind.


4)      You want to see item numbers in real life: You must have seen Shilpa Shetty dancing on “Main aayee hoon, UP Bihar lootne”, or erstwhile Mananyata (Now Mrs Sanjay Dutt) dancing at “Alhad mast Jawani” in Movie Gangaajal. If you think that these item dances happens only in movies, here comes your eye-opener. In Western Bihar, those dances and dancers are integral part of any marriage. Marriages can’t be complete without those raunchy dance numbers. It is our own original version of hyped bachelor parties. Apart from those professional performers, you get to see dozens of amateur dancers around the lady performing. I am sure you have not seen those dance forms unless you come to Bihar. To name a few dance forms they are called “ Lungi Naach”,” Gamchha Dance”, “Naagin- Sapera Dance”.. In fact every amateur dancer you see displays a different dance form.


5)      You want to see alternate use of roads: 95% of marriages in Bihar happen on the road. Well literally... all Pandals are made on the road. Traffic is either diverted or stopped for wedding to happen. More powerful the family more space they occupy on the road for longer duration.


6)      You want to see wedding cards which carry more information than Resumes: In Bihar, Wedding invitations serve the purpose of not only inviting you to the wedding, they are also form of showing what they really are. Well, most of the cards will start with a really cheap poem. Here is an example :

फूल महकेंगे कलियाँ मुस्कुरायेगी, जब हमारी बिटिया दुल्हन बन जायेगी
आप के आने से,  हमारी शान और बढ़ जायेगी

 Next page will contain Groom’s name followed by names of all the degrees he has achieved, government posts he has worked for, and companies he has worked for.  E.g. groom’s name will typically read like this : yeah,  you can find detailed description of his father’s lifelong achievements also.

Here is an example:
आयुष्मान शांतनु कुमार सिंह ( बंटी बाबू )
( सोफ्टवेयर इंजिनियर , ऍम बी ऐ , ऍम सी ऐ , दिल्ली में कार्यरत )
प्रथम सुपुत्र : श्री भारतेंदु कुमार सिंह ( बड़े बाबू )
( अवकाश प्राप्त वरिष्ठ अधिकारी , भारत सरकार )

Most of the weddings cards will also carry a special request from some kid of the family.
Most likely it will read like this :
मेरे चाचा / मामा की  छादी में जलूल से जलूल आना  .. गोलू और पूजा




   Obviously, if the wedding card will carry so much information , there will hardly be any place for maps or guidelines telling you how to reach marriage venue. Don’t worry.. You can easily recognize the wedding venue.. If a marriage is happening within 10 kms radius, you can hear the sounds of half dozen generators that bark tirelessly so that there can be electricity. Also, needless to say, there will be electricity only in the house you are invited, thanks to the generators.

Why I am disappointed at Bihar Election Results - 2010

When I reached office today morning and checked the news on internet;  I got the most depressing news ever. My nightmares became real.  Nitish Kumar won the Bihar election by more than what you call a land slide margin. God.. I have no words for People from Bihar. So I will borrow words from another Poet from Bihar Sri Ramdhari Singh Dinker saab.

In “Rashmirathi” he says:
“Jab Naash Manuj per Chhata hai, Pahle Vivek Mar jaata hai.”
Means: (A person doomed for destruction loses his power to think). I feel that’s exactly has happened to Bihari Junta who chose Nitish as their CM.

I am also from Bihar, so before starting any counter arguments, please read my reasons for why I think so.

1)      When I was growing up in Bihar during my Childhood, there was no electricity. So I used to see the clear dark sky above me with stars. I loved that sight. No electricity in Bihar has inspired many of us to get a job in NASA because no one knew stars better than them. And this Nitish Kumar wants electricity at every house. My god... I can’t see future NASA engineers watching TV and playing Video games while they should watch dark sky. This Nitish Kumar has even worse plans... he is creating Jobs in Bihar so that talented Biharis never go outside and work there. This is nothing but a big big conspiracy against us innocent Biharis.



2)      When I returned home from my engineering college, travelling 19 kms of distance took me 3 hours thanks to pot holes and mud on roads. The passion which I felt waiting for reaching home was something I never felt in my life. You can’t value the water unless you cross a desert. After reaching home travelling for 3 hours in a bus filled with my fellow countrymen was a great experience. Every organ in my body realized that they have reached their motherland thanks to that journey. But not now.. Now I reach Home in 15 mins thanks to this loser Nitish Kumar who has built a 4 lane road. Where is the time to build that urge and passion to meet my family and now I don’t feel anything different.  And more importantly what will the guys do who were running garages for fixing broken axles and fixing tyre punctures. They are out of job for at least next 5 years.




3)      Thomas alva Edison once said  “there is a great value in disaster; you can start all over again”. I saw it happening every year in Bihar. Floods destroyed everything in sight every year and we built everything all over  again. Those who talk about Mumbai Spirit should see our Spirit. Now our New CM wants to have measures to stop these floods!! Man what will happen to our spirits!! What will we do? And from where will I get those mosquitoes that came from the water rotting beside our homes. Those mosquitoes sang sweet Lories and lullaby for us. I can’t sleep without listening to their sweet humming!! No more will we have holy rivers like Ganges and Koshi which washed away our sins (and our belongings too), coming to our doorsteps every year.


4)      I hate Americans. They call everybody by their first name, even their elders. We in Bihar are much more civilized. We never called even our friends by name, forget elders. I called my friends Teliya, Dhobiya, Baniya,  Lala all symbolizing their castes. After all taking names is such an insult!!  Lalu ji taught us that it’s the surname not the name what is important. Even today being called a babhna (Brahmin) sound sweeter than being called Shekhar. But This Nitish kumar never talks about caste. This guy does not have even a surname. What can you expect if this guy remains in power? Get ready for your son calling you... hey Ram-Narayan!!!


5)     There used to be no classes in government schools in Bihar. I and my friends used to play hide and seek there. Now I see, Classes have started there, and they are teaching students. My God, where will they play Hide and Seek now??



6)      I happened to Attend Lalu ji’s daughter’s marriage at Patna. Man..It was a once in lifetime experience. Wow.. all the tasty food to be plundered!!  I was expecting to attend all 12 such grand feasts , Lalu ji would throw at his kid’s marriages. But that is not gonna happen. I don’t expect even a cup of tea from Nitish Kumar forget a grand buffet. And yes.. I challenge even prince Harry’s marriage cant match the  grandeur of Misa’s marriage.


7)     It's not only I who is devastated  by this news. Think of Mr. Prakash Jha!! From where will he get subjects for his films If there are no Apharans and Police atrocities in Bihar. Mr. Jha... try making horror films or at least comedies like Priyadarshan does.  No more topics for you from Bihar!!



8)      Tell me one thing.. Nitish Kumar wants to make Bihar like other states like Gujrat, Maharashtra and Kerala. Mr. CM.. What about Bihar’s Identity ?  Do you want the word” Bihari” to lose its present meaning and become like just a another word and Bihar Just another state. What about the special identity which Lalu ji gave us?  That has been our USP.



9)      People always talk about the disciplined and hardworking nature of Biharis. If you try to find out the roots of this nature, you will find it is related to our habits for attending our natural calls. We used to be awake early in the morning and go far away in the fields for our daily chores. We met people and socialized while going and returning from fields. It formed the basic structure for a happy society. Now Thanks to Nitish kumar gave everyone a toilet at his own house.   So no more waking up early and meeting all your fellow villagers!!! How can you expect a better society where people don’t even interact? One more thing.. People are wasting atleast 20 liters of water once they flush. Lalu Ji is a visionary. He made sure no one wastes more than a “Lota” of water on wasteful activities like washing our @$$. Water is precious!!



10)   Situations have become so hopeless that Lalu ji’s son and RamBilas paswan’s son have decided to leave their father’s profession and trying their lucks in different professions like Cricket and Films. Dear Lalu ji .. Don’t lose heart.. Even though you have lost support of even your sons, I am still with You. Rabri Devi always reminded me of Mother Mary, surrounded by a dozen kids and giving her love to everyone.


11)   I always felt that Cricket is like a plague who takes so much of our working time. Thanks to Lalu Ji we never had electricity to watch matches. It always saved our time. He did not build any stadiums or other facilities so that no youth gets distracted and wastes his time on cricket or any other games. Have you ever seen a Bihari representing India in cricket or any other sports?  But looks like This Nitish Kumar is going to destroy this great tradition too. He will build sports facilities and stadiums. He is definitely going to end the USP we have being the only state in India where no international matches happen. OMG.. Are we going to see an IPL Patna team sponsored by some Litti-Chokha Company?


12)   Last but not the least : I have heard a great person always enjoy what he does. Lalu ji always enjoyed ruling Bihar. This was evident from the way he celebrated Holi and joked about his opponents.  That smile on his face while he played the Dhol and all ministers and MLA dancing like monkeys around a Madari was like a signature scene of Bihar celebrating Holi. His better half was even better. The way she kept fast for Chhath and celebrated Chhath leaving all her jobs at CM office was commendable. Everything can wait but not the devotion and religion. Rabri devi was like a idol for all women from Bihar villages. They learnt not only how to celebrate Chhath but also how to deal with their nemesis. Rabri Devi is like an Avatar of Durga who is not afraid of those who dared to harm her. She called Sunder singh Bhandari, a Landga Buddha ( a lame crippled oldie) and Nitish, a Chorwa ( a petty thief).  This Nitish Kumar has deprived us the opportunity for letting us see those grand Holi and Chhath  celebrations for atleast next 5 years.
 
             Once Gurudev Ravindra Nath Tagore wrote about real democracy : “Where mind is without fear and head is held High”. Lalu ji gave this line a real meaning. Everyone in Bihar could become Fearless or Dabangg by paying a portion of their income to a Rangbaaz near to you. (That’s not a big price to pay for living like Salman khan of movie Dabangg!!). Now that real democracy is gone!!!  And yes.. Bihari Bhai logon.. get ready for paying for your railway travels. There is no Lalu ji who gave you that mantra “ Aana free.. jaana free.. Pakde gaye to Khana Free”..


Waiting for 2015 elections.
A Lalu ji fan.

© Shekhar Suman