A rendezvous with Desi Facebook

The facebook is such a big hit. The people get news about all their friends, all gossips, jokes, videos on their wall. So Facebook is a place where you get all the updates. We are so used to Facebook, that it’s hard to imagine how people got those updates without any such platform before these social media sites became a craze. So you start to feel that it is the Firangs who had this idea of Facebook and other social media. Some cribbing souls also start to feel that, Why we Indian never thought of something like this.

                                     Well we Indians never thought of creating any Facebook, because we already had a mechanism in place by which everyone could get updates on what’s happening around. Well I won’t play a guessing game here... Our version of Facebook was nothing but a Barber shop. You visit a barber shop in a village, and there you get all updates on what is happening with everyone in the society. A village barber is a repository of all gossips and insider information. And you know what? You get all these information free. You just need to go there and sit. It’s not necessary that you visit a barber shop only when you need a haircut or shave, people visit barber shop just to get themselves with the gossips.

So last weekend when I was home, I decided to log off from the web facebook for a change and log in to the desi facebook. I went there to get a shave and sat there. People were discussing about Baba Ramdev who is on a long tour of Bihar these days. He is organizing various Yoga Camps in almost every district headquarter. He is due to visit my hometown too this week. There are big big posters everywhere for the Yoga Camp, advertising about benefits of yoga and how only a ticket of Rs 250 can help them get rid of all their ailments through Yoga.


So here is the scene.. I am sitting in the chair and getting a Denim Shave (that’s the costliest variety available in our Village barber shop). Barbers fingers can take a rest but his motor mouth never takes a rest. He keeps on talking talking and talking. So he is discussing the upcoming Baba Ramdev’s Yoga Camp with another customer, Who is standing in the shop. Here is a part of conversation I heard,. I could have translated this, but somehow I felt, the soul of this conversation might get lost in translation. So it is produced as it was.. My contribution is simply removing the un-parliamentary words they used in between the conversation.


Read on..

नाई  : भैया कुछ सुने कि नहीं ... ढाई सौ का टिकट है साधू बाबा को देखने का .. साला इतना पैसा देकर  उसको देखने जायेंगे?

ग्राहक : ढाई सौ टका में बच्चा बुच्ची का एक महिना का तरकारी सब आ जायेगा .. और हम इ टका देकर उसका ढाढ़ी देखने जायेंगे क्या?

नाई : ढाढ़ी ही देखना है.. तो मेरे अब्बा का ढाढ़ी उससे जबर है.. टका देकर उसको देखने काहे ला   जायेंगे ?

ग्राहक :  अरे हम कहते हैं कि हेमा मालिनी जब आई थी , तो उसको देखने का कोई टिकट  नहीं था , इ रामदेव बाबा उससे सुन्दर है क्या? चोरकट लुच्चा !!

नाई :  वोही तो .. उससे सुन्दर सुन्दर आदमी आता है मेरा दूकान पर बाल कटवाने के लिए .. उसको नय देखेंगे कि सधुआ को देखने जायेंगे..

ग्राहक : और तो और.. ( एक देसी गाली देकर ) कोई काम का बात बताये तो जैबो करें ? भोरे भोर उठ के खेत पथार जायेंगे कि योगा करेंगे ? ..  इ सब पैसा कमाने का तरीका है . बुडबक समझ के रखा है हमको.

नाई : साला तुम साधू महात्मा हो.. तुमको पैसा से क्या मतलब? इतना इतना टका कमा के क्या करोगे? कोई बाल बुच्ची, घर  परिवार है तुमको ? साधू वाला कपडा पहन लियो हो लेकिन मन से लोभ लालच गया नहीं है. इ  तो नहीं होगा कि किसी गरीब गुरबा को दू पैसा का मददे  कर दें?

ग्राहक : सही में.. इ सब ढोंगी साधू को पैसा देने से अच्छा होगा कि किसी गरीब की बेटी की शादी में  पचास टका दे दें.. साला मन में इ तो होगा की किसी का उद्धार कर दिए !!

नाई : इ नीतिशो कुमार को इ सब साधू को पकड़ के साला जेल में सडाना चाहिए.. तब इ सब का चाल सुधरेगा !! डकैते न है इ सब? खुलेआम लूट !!

ग्राहक : अरे सबका हिस्सा फिक्स है .. कुच्छो नहीं होगा ..  ऊपर से नीचे तक खाली धांधली है !!
नाई : बैठिये न.. दू ठो  आदमी के बाद आपही का नंबर है.. बना देंगे ढाढ़ी..

ग्राहक : नाय नाय .. आज शनीच्चर  को हम  ढाढ़ी ठाढ़ी नय बनायेगे.. ऊ तो इधर ऐसे ही बकरी खोजने आ गए थे.. देखे हो ऊजरा रंग का पाठा और करिया बकरी इधर कहीं ?

नाई : हमको यही सब काम है.. गाहक छोड़ के आपका बकरी जोगेंगे ? देखिये किसी के बाड़ी में घुस गया होगा तो फिर दंड भरियेगा..

ग्राहक : ठीक है.. आते हैं  बुध ब्रेहस्पत को  .. आराम से बनवायेगे ढाढ़ी..  सोसराल भी जाना है अगला हफ्ता ..

नाई (ग्राहक के जाने के बाद  ) : इ सब को न कोय काम है नहीं .. बस डेली का यही रूटीन  है .. भोरे भोरे आना और भाषण दे के निकल लेना ..  आपका बाल  भी बना दें क्या?

मैं : नाय नाय .. आज रहने दीजिये.. अभी छोटे है बाल.. दू  हफ्ता बादे बनवायेंगे .. इ लीजिये अपना पैसा काटिए .

नाई : अभी तो दूकान खोल्बे किये हैं .. नमरी का खुदरा कहाँ से आएगा.. दुपहर में आके दे दीजियेगा.. गाँव समाजे के हैं.. कहाँ जाएयेगा..



And here I logoff from Desi facebook with a nice looking face !!

© Shekhar Suman

You dont need a lie detector test when a Patna wala says

:

 A Patna wala is NOT bluffing when he says that:

1)      He is going to see Mona, Veena and Apsara in a single day. He is not talking about any foreign girl, or Indian lady or some damsel from Eden; these are Cinema halls at Patna.

2)      He is going to Catch 11 AM Rajdhani Express to Delhi by leaving from home at 3 PM. He knows more about train timings than Indian Railways.

3)      He can get you all engineering, medical or UPSC entrance exams material at a price one tenth of their original value. May be you are talking to a guy from GMP (Gandhi Maidan Publications).

4)      He is a close relative of a cabinet minister, state minister or for the least an IAS officer.

5)      He has a son who is preparing for the medical entrance exam for last 12 years after completing his +2. Don’t be surprised if he says his brother is still preparing for Bank PO, railways, UDC, LDC and BPSC for last 2 decades.

6)      Only theatre where you can easily get tickets is the one running SRK starrer My Name Is Khan. Rest of the halls are booked over-capacity as they are running Ravi Kissen’s Bhojpuri movie  “Pandit Ji, Batayee na Biyah Kab hoyee” ( Subtitles : Pandit ji.. Please tell, when will I get married?)

7)      He can get you the same Kalashnikov which Osama is seen carrying with so much pride in each of his videos. And for this you won’t get into any troubles like other lesser mortals (read Sanjay Dutt).

8)      Chhath is a bigger festival than Deewali or Navratra.

9)      He knows that Neetu Chandra and Shatrughan Sinha are from Bihar but he is not very sure where Emperor Ashoka, Lord Budha and Bhagwan Mahavir belonged to.

10)   Night Life for him means a night show at a theatre and coming home walking on foot.

11)   He has seen Mamta Kulkarni dancing not only at silver screen but at his own flat.

12)   He went to his college only thrice. First for taking admissions, second for getting his admit card and last time for results. Rest of the time there was some strike.

13)   MasterCard’s Slogan “There are some things money can't buy” is false. It can buy you everything right from your degree, your Job, your spouse. You name it Dude!!

14) He can tell you which shop at Patna railway station sells best " Littee - Chokha" but he is not very sure where the ticket counter is. Please dont lose your mind if he says that he did not know that there is a ticket called platform ticket.

15)   Last but not the Least: Bihar is changing for good and there is nothing that can stop us except ourselves. Ek bihari.. Sab per Bhaari :)

© Shekhar Suman